Loser Family First to Camp Out for Black Friday


Davenport Central

In a classic preemptive move, the Davenport family of St. Pete, Florida, have outmaneuvered the local populace to become the honorary “First Family of Black Friday”, as presented to them by the manager of the Best Buy store outside of which the ten-member family started camping on Wednesday at 10 a.m. There are currently more than 1000 Best Buy stores in the United States. Shockingly, no one else has yet been dumb enough to put themselves in the running for the prestigious award.

In a riveting and exclusive interview, Lorie Davenport was quoted as saying “We’re here really early this year because we’ve always been second, third and fourth and down the line. We’re tired of not being first and we figured we’ve put in six years, we want to be first.” Thank heavens that SOMEONE is putting forth the effort to pursue excellence in this day and age where that quality is seriously lacking in our society.

The family even had the foresight to plan ahead for including quality family time, showering, and eating. “So we’re rotating shifts according to work schedules and family time and when they need to shower and eat.” Thank heavens, because there’s nothing worse than being caught in a tent outside of a Best Buy after you’ve ingested a sack of cheeseless sliders from Krystal.

When asked about their plans for the Thanksgiving holiday, one of the Davenport clan was overheard saying that “Thanksgiving is a crap holiday. We’ve instead decided to celebrate by worshiping at the feet of the Consumerism gods.”

Unconfirmed rumors from the Davenport camp indicate the family has been approached with a lucrative endorsement deal from the makers of The Snuggie ®.


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2 Responses

  1. Hilarious! Just hard to believe people would go this far with the “black plague.”

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