Chuck Norris Facts

One of my favorite web sites is the Chuck Norris Facts site.  Following are some of my favorite “facts” about Mr. Norris

1. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
2. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
3. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
4. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
5. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
6. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
7. If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
8. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
9. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
10. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
11. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
12. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
13. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
14. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
15. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
16. Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
17. According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
18. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
20. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
21. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
22. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.
23. Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
24. Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
25. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
26. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
27. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
28. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
29. The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
30. Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
31. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
32. Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
33. Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
34. There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
35. Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
36. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem– It wouldn’t take crap from anybody.
37. When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
38. There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
39. There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
40. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
41. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
42. Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool’s head off.
43. In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
44. Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”
45. Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.
46. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
47. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
48. Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.
49. The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain.  Chuck Norris’ agent has been missing for almost 2 years now.  Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
50. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

And my personal favorite…

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.